Online Dating in Big City: A Necessity!

I figured it out! Being from a small town I always felt there was this shadow hanging over the notion of online dating. I mean, Really, I have to meet people on the INTERNET? Why can't I just meet them in real life...

After my latest trip home and Bonnaroo Music Festival in Tennessee I figured it...

For 4 solid days I was surrounded by 100,000 people (the population of my hometown) but in a field in Manchester Tennessee where the 11th Annual Bonnaroo Music Festival was held. For 4 days, I found myself talking to more strangers than I have all year. And really talking to them with genuine interest. I'm laying outside my tent and someone comes by to ask 'how it's going' and genuinely wants to know; I'm standing in line to the bathroom and someone asks 'what band are you going to see today' in an effort to connect; I'm waiting urgently to use the porta-potty and someone is more interested in where I come from then pretending no one else is around them and staring straight ahead. 4 solid days of this type of genuine interaction, which also happened to be preceded by a visit to my small town where I couldn't walk by an individual without being acknowledge. It took me at least until my third person nodding/smiling at me as I roller bladed around the lake to realize that they were just being friendly, and that it indeed felt strange to be acknowledged by a stranger because I had been living in a big city for too long.

After only a mere 7 months of living in a big city, I caved to the pressure to act like everyone around me who was not involved in my immediate world just did not exist. It's like every interaction is that type of awkward people-on-an-elevator-ignoring-each-other type of interaction. We're all standing there, thinking the same thing... this is so awkward I just want it to be over! Or dear GOD, someone please break the silence. As we all stare at the numbers of the floors as they go by until the elevator will stop and ease the tension. Anytime I'm around strangers in close quarters (in line for a coffee, sitting outside of a coffee place, browsing the movie rentals etc.) I feel that awkwardness.

After being in my small town followed by 4 days at Bonnaroo Music Festival I was sitting outside a coffee place back in Toronto; three men walked by me in a 2 minute span, almost brushing my leg to get by, and didn't bother to even glance my way or acknowledge my presence. Is it really that difficult to tilt you head a few degrees upward and smile? After weeks of being free of societal constraints, weeks of acknowledging other human beings who have no direct impact on my life and I may never see again, I started to feel the awkwardness slip back into place... 

That's when it dawned on me - how are you supposed to meet people in a big city? You just can't because of the complete isolation in which everyone lives. If you're not in someone's immediate reality then you don't exist.

Why is it only acceptable in small towns to talk to strangers and acknowledge each others existence, or crazy hippie (or this year 'hipster') music festivals. Why do we as a society opt to online date instead of meet people in real life... we are too... what?? Too afraid to talk to strangers in real life? Too embarrassed because society doesn't not accept it or WORSE we may get rejected in person? I get it, I play the online dating game too... but I wish I didn't have too. So we resort to the impersonal internet. And the truth is, as I have mentioned before, it actually takes way more effort. I can tell if I like someone with a few minutes of talking to them in person, while online I have talked to people extensively only to meet them in real life and find the chemistry was all fabricated.

It's unfortunate, but its a necessity in a big city. Naturally there are benefits to online dating, as in geographical location is not necessarily a precursor any longer to people getting together. But at the same time, it would be nice to have the option to see someone in a store, per say, strike up a conversation and perhaps take it from there. The fact that that sort of interaction is not really an option is the unfortunate part.

One of the couples I hung out with at Bonnaroo Music Festival had actually met a Bonnaroo 2 years ago! How amazing is that, they had a mutual friend somewhere in there, but it's really the atmosphere that makes it conducive to meet new people. You don't have that in Toronto or big cities. When is the last time you opened a genuine conversation with a stranger?

By the way... here's me on the WHAT STAGE at Bonnaroo in front of who knows how many 10s of thousands of people having a stage party. You can see me at about 1:15 on the right side, front of the line in the Rainbow Cowboy hat. (sigh)Why can't interacting be like this in every day life? Less thinking and caring about what society thinks and more... well more DANCING IN RAINBOW COWBOY HATS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZzZShY-6JY

Worst Online Dating Pick Up Lines: The Best of the Worst

You really have to wade through a lot of crap while online dating; for every good guy/message you receive you really get 30 or 40 terrible ones! Here are some of the 'best of the worst' introduction emails and statements I have gotten from guys just in the past few days...

Plenty of Fish:

THIRD RUNNER UP:
MESSAGE: Hi [Mags],
this cute young doctor and his gorgeous physiotherapist girlfriend are taken by your elegant beauty, invitine smile, and sense of style.
We'd love to send pics if your curiosity is piqued at all - we're an attractive couple! =)
How was your day?
K + S 


I probably get an email a week asking me to join a threesome; I wonder if I give off that threesome vibe or something...
The sad thing is that the people who are looking for a threesome actually send some of the nicest sweetest emails. So maybe my interest is peaked a little... kidding... i think... ask me again in a few months when the desperation kicks in...

SECOND RUNNER UP:
MESSAGE: Your profile, I swear I’m going to print it out and post it on my fridge for all my
friends to admire! Keep up the good work you adorable lil nerd :)

Here's the kicker... Plenty of Fish keeps track of all your correspondences, I received the EXACT SAME MESSAGE word for word from this guy on May 17th...
This actually happens a lot. Guys probably don't even realize that this happens; so, being the nice person that I am, I actually responded to him to inform him of his 'mistake'.
MY MESSAGE TO HIM: You emailed me this exact same message on May 17th ...FYI...Plenty of Fish keeps track of shit. A little originality goes along way, you know.

Hey, it may help him out in the future. I wonder if he has that pick up line memorized or if he copy and pastes it from his clipboard. Needless to say, he didn't message me back. Either way, you're welcome for the reality check Dude.  

FIRST RUNNER UP:
MESSAGE: Hey your hot ;) how much ;$
MY MESSAGE TO HIM: Way too fu$king much for you

THE WINNER:
MESSAGE: Hi Gorgeous,
Wow!!! Mind blowing!!! how come someone so gorgeous like had to come here. I mean guys around you have to be blind. I think God probably took years off to make his this masterpiece. Anyways,My name is [edited out, you're welcome douchebag] and I would like to get to know more about you and possibly ask you out on a date for that.Would be a pleasure to get to admire your beauty in real life sometime. Let me know of you would like to consider this as well if not.
Cheers

Ummm... I think I just vomited in my mouth a little bit. Ladies, no one is really falling for this are they?? Please tell me know. Another copy/paster but this guy must actually have no social skills - either that, or he only tries to get girls with the worst self-esteem and daddy issues on the planet.

ZOOSK

THIRD RUNNER UP: The over dozen message I received with just a phone number and two words "text me".

Idiots. Again, I ask myself who does this really work on?

SECOND RUNNER UP:
MESSAGE: Your eyes are totally blew me away! i'm going to try to bust out something original and tell you that i'd love to build a sand castle with you on Fiji : ) LOL. I’d love to chat - send me note if you do like to get to know me a little bit better Cheers PS, I was born in England and i have been in Toronto from past 5 years, Hoping good to hear from you :)

FIRST RUNNER UP:
MESSAGE: Hellpp

Ya Sweetie, I know - you need it, real bad. I feel I should inform the authorities for your own safety.


THE WINNER: 
MESSAGE: Hi [Mags} , i,m not i get msgs back on here it,s weird , if younwould like to chat i,ll leave my cell if like to text me , 4one 6 seven 3 eight 77 [rest of number edited out]


WHAT THE FU$K DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME???

FREE ONLINE DATING: You get what you pay for...

Online Dating: Hot Girls/Ugly Guys?

Lindsay Lohan was in New York having dinner with Woody Allen...

Nice going, eHarmony.com.

A Dairy Queen commercial that is running currently, features a couple that met online on their first in person date. She of course is attractive; he of course is a typical 'accountant-going-bald' type...

The common perception of online dating is the girls are hot, guys are ugly - here's what the Online Dating Landscape looks like...
To describe the online/singles scene I'm going to use a GROUP DATE I actually went on:
I dragged two of my beautiful, single friends to an online singles group get together facilitated by  Meet Market Adventures - dot com
http://www.meetmarketadventures.com/index.php
Some of the realizations/perceptions regarding this group date are connected to online dating. 

Here's a closer ANALYSIS of the GROUP DATING EVENT: Who was there, what I rated them, the final analysis of the event

1. Number of singles: There promised to be 160 people at this event, which took place in a downtown Toronto bar...and their could very well have been. Out of 160 Singles/maybe 20 were men. I know because I talked to all of them easily due to the getting to know you game the organizers set up.

2. Rating of singles: Here's How I would rate the people at this event on physical attractiveness...

The Guys:

Michael Moore

 Here's the rating scale:

1 - Michael Moore, Carrot Top
2 - Voldemort, Gary Busey
3 - Steve Buschemi, Danny Devito
4 - Napolean Dynamite, Mr.Bean
5 - Russel Brant, Jerry Seinfeld
6 - Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller, Tom Hanks, Steve Carell
7 - That Vampire from Twilight, Both Wilson Brothers, Nicolas Cage, Denzel Washington  
8 - Michael J Fox, Will Smith, Zac Efron
9 - Channing Tatum, Johnny Depp
10 - Chris Pike/Brad Pitt/Young Harrison Ford/Young Robert Redford/Dean Martin

Chris Pine

 Most didn't dip down below 4 but I don't think anyone was higher than a 6! I would say they were 35+ and most of them seemed successful in their careers as many of them had just moved to the city from out of province/country for work.


The Ladies:

Here's the rating scale:

Joan Rivers

1 - Joan Rivers 
2 - The Orange Girls from Jersey Shore
3 - Charlize Theron in Monster 
4 - Joy Behar
5 - Kathy Griffen on a good day
6 - Ugly Betty, Kristen Dunst
7 - Tina Fey, Reece Witherspoon, Jennifer Anisten, Claire Danes, Sarah Jessica Parker
8 - Scarlett Johanssen, Natalie Portman, Emma Stone
9 - Halle Barry, Jennifer Lawrence, Beyonce  
10 - Rachel MacAdams, Catherine Zeta Jones, Keira Knightly

Catherine Zeta Jones

Most women were around the 7 mark; with a handful easily hitting the 8-9 mark, and only a few ranging 4-6. Again the ages were probably 35+ same as the men, many woman (again, who I talked to on account of the games) were successful in business.
With all these beautiful woman, why do so few men turn out...

3. My Analysis

Why did so few men turn out to such an event, and why were the ones that did so ... lack luster? ESPECIALLY when there were so many Tina Fey's and Natalie Portman's around!

A) Type of event: it was a free event (most events on Meet Market Adventures cost money; they cost money because they are usually 'Adventure Dates' that require equipment/instructors etc.) As with online dating - FREE doesn't always attract the right type of guy. One guy I spoke to in particular only went to the free events... he was probably 5.5
B) The event location: the event was held at a bar - perhaps a different type of person would choose to go Rock Climbing, and for example some of the men at the event I'm sure would not necessarily sign up for Rock Climbing. Back to my fishing analogy - in this case you need the right bait for the right fish.
C) More women are desperate! Okay, not desperate, I'm kidding! BUT I think it's fair to say that perhaps women just want it more; want to be in a serious relationship more (especially younger women, who perhaps like me have a biological clock ticking inside and don't want to wait until our 40s to settle down). Again, when online dating (especially on Plenty of Fish) I find I come across more men's profiles that say they are looking for 'nothing serious'.

For those of us who are Marisa Tomei's in My Cousin Vinny...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7J-2EIvItVY

... with our biological clocks ticking, don't rush the process.

That clip is perfect for displaying the landscape of Online Dating - A babe like Marisa Tomei (easily an 8, maybe a 9 in that cat suit) would really be with Joe Pesci (5 tops) - thank goodness dating is not all about looks anyway - lets boost Joe Pesci to a 6 for his feisty little personality.

The online dating scene is unbalanced; there are a quantity of guys, but not necessarily quality. It makes online dating tough, sure, but so what? So we have to work a little harder, keep tossing our nets out because who knows what we will reel in one day.
 

The Online Dating Handbook

As a woman who grew up in a small town, ONLINE DATING was (and pretty much still is) non-existent, barely acceptable, and misunderstood. I have experience with FOUR ONLINE DATING SITES at the moment: Plenty of Fish, OkCupid, Zoosk, and Eharmony. I will blog about each of these later in more detail if you need help deciding which one to join or have some stories/opinions of your own.
 
For now, here is the ONLINE DATING HANDBOOK according to me; keep in mind, I'm someone in search of a long term relationship, and that desire guides the handbook.

Online dating consists mostly of guys having to chase girls. So yes, it must be difficult to be creative and to catch a girls attention when she is getting 20+ messages (depending on the site) a day. But as a woman getting 20+ messages a day we need to be able to sift through these using a systematic methodology.

1) THE PROFILE NAME: The name tells a lot about a person
Here are a few examples of people to delete
Guys with 3Xs - 'XXX' in their name i.e. EXXXtaticGuy101
Guys with 'the one' in their name - I don't think so, buddy
Guys who are too sensitive - i.e. if I see in their names something like - serenity, poet, sunset, heartbroken - that's just my personal taste
Guys who associate themselves with a sports team i.e. LeafsFan101 (really?! why do I care)

2) THE PROFILE PICTURE: So crucial! Because you can not only decide if you're attracted to the person, but you can tell many things about the person.

Here's who to delete immediately:
The picture of the abs in the bathroom mirror - insecure or overly confident and self centered, probably only wants to bang you.

The picture of the fancy car/guy in fancy car - if he is making it clear that he has a BMW or Lexus he is probably making up for something else... 

The picture of the guy with one or many 'hot chicks' - this is ploy a guy will use to show you, 'hey, look, I'm super cool/hot - if I wasn't wouldn't I be surrounded by hot chicks' - a secure guy wouldn't need to play this card

3) THE MESSAGE
If a guy passes the Profile Name/Picture Test, here's who to delete based on the message:
The "Hi" - a guy who just says hi, hello, a greeting with no content. Just because it's online dating it doesn't mean you can't put any effort into it.
The physical compliment - Yes, I know I have a beautiful smile, oh you think I'm the most beautiful woman on this site... Ladies don't fall for this! I know we all could use a little ego boost, but if the guy only bothered to look at your pictures he probably doesn't care as much about your insides as your outsides...
The generic message - saying you like my profile is not enough - if he doesn't specifically comment about something directly on your profile delete him. 

4) THE PROFILE: If he passes the picture test, looking at just his stat card can tell you whether or not you want to pursue him.

Things to look at:
Height - Personally, I don't date guys that are shorter than me
Kids - If he has kids, if he wants kids. I'm not at that place in life where I want to be 'daddy's girlfriend',  and I want someone who is at the very least 'open to having children' - this one you'll have to decide on your own. But don't compromise your decision in a moment of desperation. If you're absolutely not open to someone with kids (as I am at this point in my life) don't compromise because it will only get tricky later.
Education/Career - at this point in my life, I'm not willing to accept someone who has only a high school education. Why? because of the path of life
What he wants from the dating site - most dating sites will tell you a man's motivation, i.e. if they are looking for 'dating, but nothing serious' - If a guy makes it through the picture test, and the stat card he can still strike out here. Again, this is a handbook for someone looking for a serious relationship. It's good advice in any dating situation to make sure you're on the same level as someone, with the same expectations so that you don't go into it with the wrong expectations. And NO - you probably won't be the one to change that guy's mind about being in a serious relationship... Ladies, throw that fish back in the lake!


5) THE WRITE UP: Here you get to hear his voice, it's time to read between the lines as best you can. Do your best!
Here's who I always delete:
A guy's profile that is longer than yours - either he is in love with himself, or he is super desperate
The 'No Drama' - A guy who goes on about his past relationship, i.e. if he talks about the terrible ex-girlfriend or break up he had and how he is looking for someone with 'no drama' or baggage, chances are he has some of his own.
He is not looking for anything serious, just wants to see what's out there - don't indulge it

I follow these guidelines when online dating because lets face it, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and I just don't have time to go on a date with all of them. Follow these guidelines with some tweaking for your personal taste, and it will make the process that much easier.